Bali Advice

Travel recommendations for Bali based on the whiny musings of a very pillaged white girl.

Does Bali need another travel blog post from another white girl who over shares and takes all the same photos you've seen a million times because no one is actually original and especially not so in Bali? The answer is no, but being that I think I have a unique twist on the norm, the norm being how perfect Bali is, so here we go!

BUGS: It's a jungle island, of course there are bugs! But while you have probably packed your bug repellent in preparation for your trip, what you have not planned for are the GOOD BUGS! Butterflies the size of your hand flutter about with deep rich browns, eggplant purples and vibrant turquoise wings. Dragonflies, bigger than you've ever seen before look like toys shining metallic as they skim the water. Fire engine red, violet and electric blue, these strange little bugs come sit on your arm or leg for eons, friendly and engaging. Everything is big and bold and takes thinking about. Ants, big big ants, are everywhere and that means you need to be extra aware of spills and leaving any food or drink unattended. The cicadas are 'extra' here too. Their usual high pitched song is on steroids with just a single one reaching a piercing level. A group is so noisy that it sounds like an alarm siren. And that is something no one tells you is that the tranquil sound of Bali you are sold, a meditation bowl, or yoga breathing, is not reality, it is a drive-you-mad-cicada brill. And then there are the mosquitoes, yes those are big enough to bat out of the sky... and that leads me to my next section.

ANIMALS: Something has to eat the bugs right?!? Well that is bats. Big bats that fly right into your house. And speaking of things making your home theirs, lizards are everywhere! Geckos are my favorite, they are adorable and make the most friendly sounds, kind of like they are saying "uh ah" like a little kid saying no. They are in every size... from the tiny ones we find in our sink every morning to the giant one that lives in the rafters of our living space. There are also the large scary looking lizards that stretch long and look a bit like a snake. Speaking of snakes, there are all sorts of those, luckily I've only seen them squished in the road. Also squished in the road are lots of frogs. They seem to be varying sizes with the little likable ones seen the most. These curious little guys find their way into all kinds of odd places toppling over into the house, miss judging leaps and falling in the pool, or bouncing into an open bag. Rats, yes, big ugly brazen rats, and not fun at all. Dogs, while not really an issue themselves, their crap all over the sidewalk is annoying. And of course, the damn monkeys. Incredible, good looking Macaque monkeys, are exciting to see and cute as can be. But then you've probably read my previous blog where I tell the real story about the monkeys. There are tons of other animals I'm told, but those are what I've seen so far. What it translates to is that you are guaranteed at least one surprise scream a day.

BEACHES: What is it that you consider a great beach? For me, I like great sand, the kind that you want to bury your feet in, the kind kids can build castles in. The water I want to be a beautiful color and have playful waves, maybe to actually play in, but more than anything to watch and listen to. Bali really does not have that. Wait you may be asking yourself, isn't Bali known for beaches? Ya, I am also wondering who sold the world that BS. Yes there are a billion Instagramable places, many on a beach, but it is not a beach you want to hang out on. There are spots to see, maybe look out at from afar, or scroll through your camera roll and pat yourself on the back for capturing, but most of the photos are a trick of the eye. They are extremely hard fought finds requiring specialty boat rides, ladders and sometimes perilous hikes over sharp rocks. It reminds us a lot of Belize where the photos make you think "paradise" and reality is there is no beach, but there are fleas in the grasses at the water's edge, more garbage than you can avoid, and literal swarms of bugs all trying to get in your eyes, ears and up your nose. We quickly changed their mato of "You better Belize it!" to 'don't Belize it'. Unfortunately, we are starting to use it here in Bali... don't bali-ze it. Tip to those determined to beach it in Bali, don't ram your feet in the sand, trash is prevalent and you really can get hurt. If you really want to see the beach beach, pay the extravagant prices (aren't you in Bali because it is so affordable though???) of the fancy resort area of Nusa Dua. That doesn't mean there aren't great ways to get IN the water, the water is beautiful and they make sure there are any number of activities to help you play in it. It just isn't the frolicking waves of some of my favorite beaches.

FOOD: Ever heard people rave about Balinese food? I had not. I assumed it would be steamed rice in a banana leaf with veggies and tofu, and it is. But that is the simple daily snack, easy to travel with, readily available and cheap. What I did not prepare for was the incredible rich flavors of the BBQ ribs, the dense peanut sauce for the Satay (sceward meat), or the fantastically complex Mie Gorang (ramen with meat, veggies and magic). And that is just the beginning! Everything has been incredible, loads of wonderful spice and complexity. It leads us to wonder why there isn't a Balinese restaurant on every corner in the USA. Side note, they are also killing it with their hamburgers and wood fired pizzas. Why would you Julienne carrots and cucumbers and put them, raw, on top of a seasoned burger pattie with Spicy Thousand Island sauce and melted Gouda? Because it is amazing! 

WINE: I was sure I wouldn't be able to enjoy my usual fill of wine while in Bali unless I chartered by own cargo ship, but I quickly discovered that they have several, very good, local wineries! They also import a lot of wines from around the world (mostly Australia and South Africa) and boast a number of wine shops per square block. What is even better are the charming wine bars peppered through the shops and cafes! In addition, they have a beverage called Soju, a Korean distilled drink, similar to wine, that is very tasty. Now why don't the "Top Reasons To Visit Bali" list that as an asset? 

TEMPERATURE: We knew it would be hot, but holy hell it is HOT! The humidity is through the roof so the combination is brutal. Every step you take results in a siege of sweat plummeting down your face. Forget makeup, forget walking down the street and seeing because you are permanently blind from the sting of pungent sweat mixed with sunblock and bug repellent drowning your eyes. HOT TIP (I know, very punny) get a hand fan, increase your hotel star rating and spend more for a room with air conditioning and make sure there is a pool. The reason why all those 'paradise' photos have gorgeous pools is because you can not survive without cooling off in one. At least as a pudgy, white westerner, I can't. 

PEOPLE: It has long been talked about how the crowds of Bali make Bali a hard place to enjoy. Being that we arrived as it was opening up from a 2 year full on pandemic closure, we have had the blissful treat of being the only people. Locals and other Indonesian tourists are the only people we saw for over a month. The Balinese people are by far the most amazing peoples I have ever met. Their kindness, generosity and charm are undeniable. I simply can't say enough about the beauty of these people. The expats living here on the other hand, have been rough, rude and offer advice such as "don't tip very much, you'll ruin it for the rest of us!", so stay clear of those creeps and make sure to ask the locals where they like to eat, drink, and hang out. More tourists have started to flood in and it has already made a difference with trying to get around, perhaps a glimmer of what we are in for in another month. 

It has been hard to not be annoyed by the trash, by the bugs, by the heat, by the damn monkeys and recently as the Island has opened up, the ridiculous Instagram Influencers. A lot of these things make or break how comfortable you are in any given moment and if all of your senses are ablaze, well, it's easy to let it get the best of you. The Influencers have been interesting to see in person, and maybe the most fun animal you will find in Bali. They bring multiple cameras, different colors of the same hat, dresses that always reveal a lot of leg, boob, shoulder or back, and "helpers". Then they set up shop in the middle of where everyone needs to pass. Seriously, they take up the entire stairway/ path/ view of a popular spot with absolutely zero awareness. As if everyone is there to see them rather than acknowledging that we simply need to use the only entrance and exit to a place. I've started to take pictures of them. They are amazing spectacles to behold! An example is the big swing that sends the girl out over the rice terraces, silk fabric billowing behind her (if you haven't seen this, do a search of Bali on Insta), only in reality the swing, as swings do, rushes backward sending the fabric up over the woman's head, then as the swing rushes forward once again, it seals the fabric tightly to her face. Now THAT is an epic shot! Don't worry, she is fine, she has assistants and a photographer to pull the fabric free and to try for the shot another 10 times. I also love the Instagramers that are a little more subtle, like the woman wearing a respectfully long dress, posed in front of the large doors to a beautiful temple. While having worn the proper attire to enter, she is now hiking her dress up and out of the way to show her entire leg, even back a little to make sure the start of her butt cheek makes it into view. It is an 'I can still be sexy while visiting a holy temple' pose. Her husband or boyfriend meanwhile is kneeling out in the traffic to get the shot, yes IN the traffic. Perhaps this is the real reason for the annual tally of tourist and motorbike accidents here.

You may be thinking 'wow, this sounds like a really shitty place', I might have over sold that part. We are enjoying it! It has a charm of its own and it is hands down one of the most beautiful places on the planet, but expectation can seriously sway the experience one has. With everyone touting Bali as a place no one wants to ever leave, I have to say, I will love my time here, but Bali... I will leave.