I'm Not Crying, You're Crying!

Oy! People strap in, this is one hell of a sappy, dorky episode of the blog.

I am crying, again, in public. This is embarrassing. The lights are glowing off the ancient stone walls as we dine alfresco at 8:30pm. We are early birds, but it was necessary that my parents drag me out of the apartment today. Today, Jesse left to return to New Mexico. We will be apart for 2 months and the reality of it hit me hard. 

He left Laguardia this morning in a sea of my tears and me actually begging him not to go. Ya, way to make this easier for him right? I couldn't help it, I felt like a kindergartener being dropped off on the first day of school. I knew it was hard for him to say goodbye too, he tried for both of us to give me the strong face, but I was unconsolable and he was struggling. 

Tonight, I sit outside with my mom and dad, white tablecloth and Gadsby lights aglow, a delicious glass of Cava in my hand and the hum of a party on the horizon. My parents were right, I did need to leave the apartment. We are at the same restaurant we dined at our very first night in Laguardia and it makes this all the more sentimental. The air has cooled to a lovely warm temperature. One of the wonders of Spain is that I am somehow always the right temperature. People have started to arrive from nearby villages as the band does sound check. Snippets of classic 1980's movie songs are perfectly impersonated and tiny tots line up close to the stage to shake it. Old women with canes line the walls, teenagers swarm in, people on dates, people happily just discovering the fun, and people rejoicing to see each other again all fill the streets. Everyone is jubilant. And I am crying. 

It was just as I started to feel the incredible gratefulness of being in this town, what an amazing time I have had, all the beautiful memories my family has had in this picturesque, idyllic, perfect place, that the singer started belting out the movie Dirty Dancing's hit song "The Time of My Life". And it destroyed me.

"Now, I've had the time of my life

No, I never felt like this before

Yes, I swear, its the truth

And I owe it all to you"

What the AF is happening?!? Yep, I am crying like a baby over how special it is to have been in this charming town and somehow it represents my move to Spain and our sacrifice and how much I miss my husband already, and I am dying crying! I manage to pull myself together before too many people see, but my mom has caught sight of it and she has joined in with silent tears too. I wipe tears, sit up straight and try to get into the party atmosphere. But something has happened, a switch was flipped on and I am suddenly deeply aware of my intense gratitude for being here, in Spain, as I start to watch people in the crowd with utter awe and revery.

The meal we have is incredible and I begin to absorb the way people here relax into life. The clothes they wear seem to be chosen to feel good on while also looking amazing. The fabrics, the cut of the dress, it is as if people have made choices based on how they feel good in their bodies, in their skin, in their place in life and it is intoxicating. Instead of sad I am ecstatic! This is MY new country! I see gay couples holding hands and kissing and I realize how long it has been since I have seen LGBTQ people out on the street expressing themselves freely and it makes me so unbelievably giddy to see it again. It is universal, all couples of every, race, age, orientation are showing love and affection to each other and it is beautiful. 

Just as I am really feeling amazing, we are dancing in our seats, and I think to myself "holy shit, I AM doing this and it IS going to be ok!", that this little cover band in the middle of nowhere Spain, starts in with Flashdance's "What a Feeling" and I am crying AGAIN!!! OK I know I am an '80s music dork, but this is a crazy happening even for me. 

"What a feelin', being's believin'

I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life

Take your passion and make it happen

Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life"

I had started singing the lyrics and then sucked in my breath hard. Big juicy tears streamed down my face before I could do anything about it and I looked across the table at my dad who made eye contact just then, tears brimming in his eyes and wow, that was it, we were both a big sappy mess as people danced and sang  around us like there was no tomorrow, just this perfect moment and it was awesome. 

Now this might be the dorkiest of emotional outbursts you have ever heard of, I can't believe I am writing it down to share with you, but it was also one of those moments I know I will remember for the rest of my life. The intensity of this radical move, my parents by my side literally sharing in my tears, and the weight of being in the moment when you have a life changing realization... I have put it all on the line, this is amazing, this is terrifying and embracing this insane ride will be worth it. 

Ya, I just barfed a little at that corny ass last line too. But it is those moments that I think many spend their entire lives looking for. And lucky me, I got to have mine set to an '80s soundtrack!