With Bali in the rear view mirror of life and too many messages asking for an update to even count, I have finally made myself sit down and try to collect my thoughts. Since May so much has happened I almost don't know where to start! I had a complete meltdown after having a sensory overload of too much Bali and we had to pull the ripcord on that vacation. We opted for Amsterdam as an escape and breathed in the magnificent spring flowers there, the charming neighborhoods... and covid. Yep, after 2 years avoiding it, and 4 covid shots, we went down like a ton of bricks.
The horror stories of covid had scared me since day one. My fear of being put on a ventilator was real as I take a high powered medication that lowers my autoimmune system to zero, but more than that was the fear that I would lose my sense of smell. They say that you attract what you put your attention toward, so I guess in some sick version of events, I brought it on myself? Needless to say, I went from sick as a dog, to slightly better, then slightly better after that, to a morning where I awoke to Jesse making coffee, but the air was clear of smells. Jesse and my daughter had also gotten covid with us each having different experiences of the virus. My husband had lost some amount of smell, but I was about to discover that he was doing far better than I was.
For those of you whos lives are not centered around olfactory senses, you may not know that coffee is one of the most powerful smells on the planet. My inability to smell the coffee was a terrifying sign. 4 days of zero sense of smell sent me into the darkest of depressions. I had to come to terms that it may never come back or if it did, it may be damaged beyond the point of return. My career would be finished, but even more than that, which still gets me all choked up, is that I wouldn't be able to smell the smells that make my life so rich. While my intense "gift" has caused actual physical pain when the smells are too intense (like in Bali), I rely on it to inform me of things I hadn't really thought about; my husband smells different if he has been sweating in the sun working in the vineyard, sweating after a run verses a bike ride, or the smell of him when he is angry, I know exactly what has happened in his day based on these smells. The smell of great food (New Mexicans, is there anything better than roasting green chile???), trees and plants, sea air or desert rain on its way, and perhaps the most devastating for a mom, the smell of the top of my child's head. I was in a downward spiral and I didn't speak for days. Then, just as instantly as it left, a glimmer of hope appeared! I could sorta smell the coffee. We quickly ran out to the local cafe and ordered two different glasses of wine, it was a test, could I smell a difference? I could! It wasn't strong, but it was there. I rushed to the market and bought all the Somm 101 tools for training, fruits, herbs, and anything else I could grab fast. Back up to the room we ran, bursting out of the elevator and almost into the maid's cleaning cart, it wreaked of vinegar... it WREAKED! I tumbled into the room and pealed a banana. I could smell the banana. Tears of joy and deep relief soaked my face.
This miracle happened just days before I had a huge, and very important, wine competition. I worked hard on retraining my receptors to identify and connect smells, it was a fast track approach and luckily worked. I took a seat at the competition table and prepared to excuse myself should I see that I was not back to judging level. The palate set wine came out and I judged it exactly the same as the very esteemed judges at my table and even had the exact same notes. I feverishly texted Jesse the news, he responded with a string of emojis in celebration. I think he was on pins and needles knowing his life would be greatly impacted if I came home destroyed by my incompetence. Especially since my daughter and I blame him for giving us covid in the first place. I think he feared for his life.
After the competition, I had the honor to host a formal tasting class on New York wines with a teaser on New Mexico, followed by a full blown VIP event for New Mexico wines at the American Consular General's home. It was incredible and has led to conversations with other powerful people to invite me to create events for them. I was positively elated!
Then we came home. Unlike my family, I did not miss home. I love my home, but I was not ready to BE home. I had been robbed of time with the weeks down battling covid and now had to return to a long list of work projects I had avoided while traveling. I also felt robbed of vacation time, which I am fully aware of is a load of shit coming from someone that was gone for 4 months. But hear me out. I had anticipated a Hawaii like experience of sitting on a pristine beach with lovely warm breezes and someone fetching me Mai Tais. Instead, Bali was hard. It was hard fought for food and respite from the intense heat and even more intense humidity. The smells were off the chart in a bad way and, as you all read in my previous blog posts, there were the damn monkeys that had given me PTSD. And maybe there is another component, my wine competition travels rock! Being treated like royalty suits me. The incredible dinners, the amazing wines, the tours of exquisite cities and elite wineries create a level of fan fair that is hard to compete with. Especially if you come home to cleaning your own house, heaps of laundry that never seem to end, grocery shopping and meal prep for picky eaters, doctor's visits, and tedious work projects.
I was trying to wrestle with the discrepancy of "home life" and "competition life" when I realized I can't make them equal. The 4 days of covid darkness I experienced had also given me time to contemplate my life without these glorious trips, gave me time to think about appreciating what is right in front of me. Now I felt the darkness trying to move back in and I fought to recall my insight. I focused on my glass of wine being enjoyed on my front porch. I fought to remember that this fancy life of flying off to iconic places to be wined and dined could all disappear, but what will remain is an amazing family, a home in a gorgeous place and the memories of what I have been lucky enough to experience.
I also got a phone call from Italy with a personal invitation to participate in a new and very exciting competition in Aosta Valley! And just like that, the darkness slipped away. I know how lucky I am to have the life I do, both at home and on these trips. I know that we are beyond lucky to have not suffered real loss during these covid years and I know that you have to stop and smell the roses while you still can.
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