I'm flooded with annoyance this morning. I'm not sure why exactly either. I am in a gorgeous place, having amazing experiences, eating incredible food, drinking wonderful local wines... so what's up? You've probably guessed that I am happy with the USA election results so it definitely isn't that. Maybe it's traveling with a teenager that in the natural consequence of sharing hotel rooms has become a total cockblock. Sorry for the overshare on that, but we are all adults here right? Or maybe it is the scrolling through social media to see post after post of people I thought I knew, sharing things that seem like contradictory ideas to who I thought they were. Its as if 2020 has given some a high dose of LSD and they have never really come out of the trip. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with difference of opinion, I am actually one of those people that did not unfriend anyone for their views during this heated election. I have allowed space for constructive discussion and think it is important to have, I also believe that you can "sleep" a friendship or scroll past a post. I have been criticized for this so called lackadaisical approach, but I believe it is a fine line to walk. Anyone that posted hate speech I did block, I don't think there is room for that anywhere, but just as I want to have the opportunity to possibly open someone's mind up to a new way of thinking about something, I recognize that they have the same drive and that most people are coming from a place of truth, even if we don't agree. I understand the stance that certain affiliations are seen as belief in misogyny and racism, and I do see an increase of those beliefs in the people that support those that seem to condone revolting behavior, but I have also had some amazing conversations with people that have allowed for a back and forth and that have not necessarily changed their overall views, but said that it has made an impact on them. They now know someone that is ___ or has had ____ happen and that the discussion makes them question some of their ideas. This is deeply important to me, to give a face to something they didn't understand and feared from it being unknown. But today, I suddenly hit a limit of seeing aspects of people I thought I knew, go to the dark side and disregard logical discussion.
As I said, I'm flooded with annoyance. Maybe I'm overly sensitive to social media today, because I'm itching to be irritated. My mind seems to be finding the holes in conversations I had before we even left on this vacation, a sudden emotional hook on something that should probably be dropped. Or maybe it is the constant low-grade pain that my rheumatoid arthritis is causing in every joint in my body. The meds seem to be dulling the pain, decreasing inflammation and addressing some aspects, but by the time evening has come, my body pings at me in pain. I apply a cream to sooth joints, like my wrists, and find that they can't bend to a normal degree on their own. It is a strange sensation, like the joint has become so deeply fatigued that it passed out mid use. Or maybe its that over the course of a brain tumor, travel, turning 40 (and my metabolism slowing down), then 2020 and an autoimmune disease... my body has packed on the pounds. I hardly recognize myself and the constant reminder as I try on a cute dress, or have my teenager tell me that I look like I'm pregnant, are a daily battleground of self-hatred.
Man, I've gone to a dark place. I bet you are really glad you decided to read this blog today, uplifting right? LOL! What can I say, I'm not always fun to be around. OK, OK, OK, let me turn this around. Maybe I just needed to vomit it out, see it on screen and realize that it isn't all as bad as I'm feeling it to be. Do you ever find yourself in that place? Head full of negativity only to take a moment to look at it and realize none of it is that bad? Those people that I'm sad to see change before my eyes, well, maybe I need a break from seeing so much of them, continue to practice the "sleep" mode when need be. Maybe I need to just relax, let the sun of Mexico seep into my bones. Maybe I just need to get laid.
I appreciate you letting me vent, lending me your ear. Now I will go search out a glass of wine, because before I can practice self acceptance, I'll need to Wine First.
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